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Old 07-14-2002, 01:21 AM   #1   Add To Ignore List  
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Default Closer to death than Ive been in a while

Over the last couple weeks ive had a lot of trouble sleeping, too much on my mind about how ****ed up my life feels, i feel like a slave to society and im sure im not the first person to feel this way. I honestly can't see the point in my exsistance, i mean jesus.. i spend half my life at work, making money just to give to other people for whatever reasons.. bills, food, gas for my car, train tickets for going to work etc. and i do this just to survive so i can continue doing this until i either retire or die, whichever comes first. Actually ive felt this way for more than just the last couple weeks, more like the last six or seven years at least, although the last week or so it's been worse. As much as ive tried to ignore these feelings and i often do manage to block them out during the day because ive had a lot of practice, there always in the back of my mind and don't normally take over until im somewhere between the state of being awake and being asleep but sometimes they do when im by myself like now.

This morning has been a bit of a different experience for me than ive had before, ive felt closer to death than i have in quite some time, when i woke up this morning, i was so weak i could barely walk (this would be due to not eating anything for the last couple days). I got carted off to the cemetary to see my father because his birthday is coming up, whilst at the cemetary all i could feel was this cold breeze that was going straight through my body and my hands went completely numb like death had taken my hand and at that point i felt completely at peace. I would have been happy to have died right there and then.

death has been on my mind a bit lately which it hasn't been for a couple of years now. It's funny.. people who don;t really care for there own life often seem to be quite healthy, i mean im not terminally ill, i don't have any dibilitating dieseases but ive noticed quite often people that do have a real lust for life seem to often die young for some reason or another, for instance and this is not the only case, just an example... my dog whom died last year, i know not a person but still a very active creature that really didn't deserve to die when she did, she got really sick as her body started dying at the age of three but her mind was not effected so whenever she wanted to jump around when someone came to the front door she'd try to get up and just colapse in a big heap. Another example is that my aunty now has cancer and will die within the next five or so years but shes still seems as happy as she ever was. What im saying is i'd love to just give my fully functioning body to someone that would appreciate it more than i would but i obviously can't and i guess this should make me appreciate life more but it doesn't at this stage in my life because i feel like this mindless zombie who only serves one purpose, to keep .0000000000001 % of society functioning which could easily to filled by someone else if i was to die. Now im not saying I desperately want to die right this second, if that was the case i would have killed myself by now or purposely put myself into a position where i would inevitably be killed, what im saying is if i was to die in my sleep tonight, it wouldn't bother me. I mean i would love to have a long lasting happy life but the direction my life appears to be pointed in and has been for quite a while would suggest otherwise but you never can tell whats around the corner.

ahh, i shouldn't even be burdening you lot by saying this, it's my problem and i don't expect sympathy. im just venting my mind a bit, possibly some people here can relate to this, i dunno.

shit, ive been sitting here for a hour now reading over my post, trying to decide whether to post it or just delete it... **** it, i may aswell post it.
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Old 07-14-2002, 01:31 AM   #2   Add To Ignore List  
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yes...i do know the feeling...the world is a pile of shit and im a fly who cant land..

buy a cheap motor cycle and go for a ride...works for me.
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Old 07-14-2002, 01:52 AM   #3   Add To Ignore List  
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get a woman...then you realise why youre alive

friends help a lot too.

and chocolate...if you died now, think of all the chocolate you wouldve missed out on.
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Old 07-14-2002, 01:57 AM   #4   Add To Ignore List  
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Hey Sart, maybe you should attend SamBonzna! this summer, I could cheer you up!

I'm the Entertianment Captaian of Plato's ship damnit!

ARGH!
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Old 07-14-2002, 02:10 AM   #5   Add To Ignore List  
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TACOS!!!!!!

you got any of them taquitos?

sart... it sounds like you need something more meaningful in your life... maybe take up a hobby...

go fishing, there is nothing like being not on land with no one in site.

rock climbing is like this as well. climb to the top of a ****in 100M cliff and you'll know all about it, and there will be no one around except you and your climbing buddy.

martial arts can be meaningful, but it's a struggle to find one that's practised as an artform... rather than a sport.

holiday... go see japan or canada or kenya... they're my top 3 choices at least.

your favourite band is tool... all day you use computers (don't you?) which pump out the positive ions which are bad for you, where are your negitive ions? go on a bushwalk...
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Old 07-14-2002, 02:11 AM   #6   Add To Ignore List  
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What was what feeling called when all you want to do is die? Oh yeah, depression. It sucks, makes you feel like nothing. Cheer up man, go for a ride or something. Whenever I feel down I simply hop into my car, roll the windows down, open up the sunroof, turn on the radio to some classic rock, and go for a cruise.
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Old 07-14-2002, 02:25 AM   #7   Add To Ignore List  
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Quote:
Originally posted by mr man
get a woman...then you realise why youre alive

friends help a lot too.

and chocolate...if you died now, think of all the chocolate you wouldve missed out on.
i do have a women in my life whom im very happy with when im around her which might only be for a few hours once a week or once in a couple weeks... actually probably one of the only times im happy in my life at the moment although it does feel like she shuts me out a lot (she's probably about as shy as i am), im not even sure if she even realizes it... im still trying to work out how im going to confront her about this without making sound completely wrong. She doesn't know anything about the way i feel in what ive said above and i don't thnk i'd even tell her in the near future anyway if at all because i wouldn't want her to feel like she must stay with me or i'll kill myself kind of scenario because it's definately no basis for a relationship and it wouldn't be fair on her. it's a delicate situation and i think ive got to be pretty careful how i handle it.

but it does seem that any creatures soul purpose is to grow up, breed and work the rest of their life as they slowly die just so the next generation can repeat the exact same pattern..... theres gotta be some kind of purpose to it but i'll be buggered if i know what it is, i get the feeling were not meant to know until it happens.

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Hey Sart, maybe you should attend SamBonzna! this summer, I could cheer you up!

I'm the Entertianment Captaian of Plato's ship damnit!
hmm otherside of the world but thanks for the offer.
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Old 07-14-2002, 02:26 AM   #8   Add To Ignore List  
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I am sure a lot of people, including me, feel this way at some times in their lives.

My first major encounter with these sick feelings happened when I was entering my fourth year of college at UW-LaX. For some reason, my interest in learning waned and my attitude towards it turned sour. College life was becoming a burden on me. Partying also had a major role in it, because I was tired of it. My attitude was becoming more negative as time went on. My friends and I started to grow apart, and my relationships with them almost completely disappeared. I felt that my life was becoming more worthless as time went on.

I then had a few phone calls home to open myself up to my mother. I tried to explain to her that I wasn't feeling so well. Our talks helped me a little, but in the end my mental health got worse.

One of my major decisions was to finish off that semester and take some time off to think about things. I took a year off and worked full time. Then I decided it was time to go back to school because my mind was clear and I knew what I wanted to do. I transfered to UW-W and made some more great friends in cheerleading and classes. My time at UW-W was fun, and it ended in closure.


Life as we know it is what we make of it. If you want to become successful, you need to set goals and strive to achieve them. If you are sick of the world, lay down somewhere in a quiet park and think of the wonderful peacefulness you are experiencing. I do that a couple times a month. Just take deep breaths and gaze into the dark/light sky thinking of the simplicity of things. Many times that helps me to realize that life is a game, and I need to play it so I can live it fully.
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Old 07-14-2002, 02:42 AM   #9   Add To Ignore List  
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Sorry to hear you so troubled Sarto. You're a great guy.
Truth is, I think we all go through that. Yep, even the rich folks who you think have it made because their lives aren't so meager.
Heck, many a time I have read about one of the movie stars with lots of dough commit sideways.

Actually, being happy is kind of a learned process. I think as you get older, if you really pay attention to what is important in life, and go through life determined to not let life kick your ass but have a determination to take life by the balls and be determined to feel happy and blow off the blues, ultimately you will go through life learning how to over come those feeling and in the long run, you will tackle obsticles you wouldn't have before.

Just don't give up dude. There is always another day. And the next day brings new things and somehow the old worries just aint as important. You seem to be to smart to throw your life away, so just make up your mind to kick life's ass.
Life anyway is like the old provervial roller coaster, ups and downs. So now you are in a slump and on the downside, it is only natural it is time to make the climb.
Hang tough dude. All the shit life has to offer is only transistory anyway. Nothing is permanent and in life, no guarantees. So you have to make the best of it.
Be the master of your domain, not a slave. It is all within you to do so. By and large, you are in control of your own happiness.
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Old 07-14-2002, 02:45 AM   #10   Add To Ignore List  
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Posting about this is a very good idea. You can hear all kinds of opinions and thoughts about your situation, and many people here will at least be able to say that they have felt that way before.

It's hard to say whether the feelings or the ideas come first in this kind of situation, but for me it can go either way. Whewn life seems like a pointless circle of chasing your tail, that can be pretty depressing. On the other hand if you are naturally depressed for some other reason, the apparent futility of existence will readily rear its head. Since there are intellectual and emotional sides to the problem, any solution ought to address both sides.

I find that it is useless to simply try and cheer up a depressed person, and that it is equally fruitless to sit and argue about the meaning of life when such a point has been reached. You need to approach it from every angle. For instance, you mentioned that you have been going without food. I don't know how often you do this, but aside from being a symptom of the blues it can actually perpetuate them. Your metabolism has a fairly important effect on your mood.

Believe me, I have been in your place, and more than once. I can identify with many specific points you raise. Perhaps if the discussion continues i can offer some helpful thoughts. The stuff that is bothering you is not only emotional but philosophical, so consider too that the problem might not only be in yourself but in the culture at large. In any case, please go on as far as you feel comfortable, and I know that I for one will be ready to reflect on it with you.

Feel free to pm me about this too, if you like.
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Old 07-14-2002, 03:12 AM   #11   Add To Ignore List  
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Hang in there Sart. Don't feel alone, most people go through a period of depression at least once in their life. I think my worst period was back in the mid '90s. I would often find myself curled up in a ball on the couch crying softly to myself. I didn't want to talk to anyone, hear anything or do anything. Looking back on it, it's hard even to pinpoint exactly why I was so depressed.

I do remember how I broke out of it though, I packed up and left town. I changed my surroundings. Yeah, there were a lot of ties holding me back, excuses to not move. But, many of those ties were related to my depression, I remember that much. I needed to take control of my own destiny and leave the situation I was in. Either that, or I just needed something to shake up my life a great deal.

Whatever you do, hang in there. The worst usually passes, and if it doesn't, you can always become a goth.:vamp:
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Old 07-14-2002, 09:16 AM   #12   Add To Ignore List  
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thanks for the offers of support, although ive lived with this for a fair few years, it does make it a little more difficult to see any kind of end to it, everything thats been on my mind for the last 6+ years all just came kind of together today whilst in the cemetry and it got to me a bit. i guess theres only so much one person can take. it's going to be interesting to see what happens in the near and distant future because ive never seen myself living past 30, maybe due to the fact my dad died in a car crash when i was ten, i dunno.

Quote:
Whatever you do, hang in there. The worst usually passes, and if it doesn't, you can always become a goth.
i have pretty much worn nothing but black for the last four or five years which i seriously considering trying to break out of but i wouldn't consider myself a goth, i don't do makeup or anything to that effect. i do know someone that use to be the closest thing to a goth out of my circle of friends, he used to cut himself with scissors and drink his own blood, i can't remember why he use to do it but he's grown out of that now, these days he's just a really paranoid hacker/programmer thats heavily on ritalin and listens to a lot of techno.
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Old 07-14-2002, 01:31 PM   #13   Add To Ignore List  
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Ive felt that way scince I was 3. I am a goth without the make up. I never think about suicide cuz I dont believe in it.(seeing you own mom try it 3 times as a child might have forced that train of though) I always question the point of existense, and I realize...there is no point...but there is no point to not existing either. Ive always been able to "watch" myself be depressed...like I wasnt really the one depressed but like Im just observing myself experience life. Sound diluted? it is...But I figure, may as well kick back and see how this thing plays out.

Dude, you could be me! Just lost my car, my girl, a good job, had to claim bancruptcy but I still have to pay 20,000$ school loan back for my graphics training wich did no good scince now I work at Blockbuster!!! All within a year and a half! This is my "rock bottom"...basicaly Im just short of being a junkie. At least it sounds like youve got decent employment so your a step ahead of me. Were all slaves to society, the alternative...watch fight club but take away all the glory of project mayem, the woman, clean clothes and the hollywood ending.
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Old 07-15-2002, 01:29 AM   #14   Add To Ignore List  
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Cant think of anything longwinded to say right now...
Just figured I would post and say that I read and understood.
Good luck man.

Well I guess I do have something to say...

I of course cant say for shure but its possible you are
experiencing chemical depression or something.
If that is the case it can be...cured.

I know from experience with a semi-related problem.
For a while I got panic attacks whenever I was out in public or social situations.
I would start to sweat all over, I couldnt think straight, it was horrible
and was starting to realy screw with my life.
I finaly figured out and faced what was happening.
I got on medication for it for a Short time, they went away almost totaly.
I took the meds for 3 months, stoped and have only had one or two mild attacks
in the last year or two. The stuff for this kind of thing works.

*Yawn* I'm sleepy...donno if i said it all quite the way I wanted but im too tired to continue now. g'night all.
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Old 07-15-2002, 02:11 AM   #15   Add To Ignore List  
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Parasite we are or have been in 90% the same situation, and funny I lived not far from you until recently. We should connect on these points... pm me or something.
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Old 07-15-2002, 02:26 AM   #16   Add To Ignore List  
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Quote:
Originally posted by Joben
Cant think of anything longwinded to say right now...
Just figured I would post and say that I read and understood.
Good luck man.

Well I guess I do have something to say...

I of course cant say for shure but its possible you are
experiencing chemical depression or something.
If that is the case it can be...cured.

I know from experience with a semi-related problem.
For a while I got panic attacks whenever I was out in public or social situations.
I would start to sweat all over, I couldnt think straight, it was horrible
and was starting to realy screw with my life.
I finaly figured out and faced what was happening.
I got on medication for it for a Short time, they went away almost totaly.
I took the meds for 3 months, stoped and have only had one or two mild attacks
in the last year or two. The stuff for this kind of thing works.

*Yawn* I'm sleepy...donno if i said it all quite the way I wanted but im too tired to continue now. g'night all.
I had the same thing Joben. In fact, I had just emailed Sarto about the very same thing yesterday. I got those freaking panic and anxiety attacks real bad for awhile, (especially when around a crowd of people), and after taking medication for it for awhile they subsided to the point I am not taking it anymore. I quit taking it after the attacks lessened because it made me tired but more because it lowered my sex drive and I hated that. Anyway, there are other ways peoples nerves can wreak havoc other than panic and anxiety attacks. Some people get depression like you said. It is something worth checking into, because there is medication out there that will help.
Smoking pot or drinking won't do it. It has to be the right medication that is for those particular symptoms.
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Old 07-15-2002, 03:33 AM   #17   Add To Ignore List  
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Hey sartophiketle,


I think many of us have been there with depression. For me the meds worked after a few months, well that and a complete change of lifestyle.

I was working at a job I hated, for people I could not stand. It seemed I never got ahead. One day I decided I would do what I wanted to do. Thats when I started my company.

You may not want to go that far out on a limb, but look at your life, see what you like and do not like about it. Do you like your work? Does it feel like you are doing something good with your life? If not, is there something that you like doing that you can make a living at? You do not have to get rich at it, just enjoy it enough that you do not mind going to work everyday.

To all you younger folks out there, just because something is cool or can make you a good living, does not mean it will make you happy. You have to look and find what does, then figure a way to make a living at it. No one can decide it for you, no one can make you happy, you have to find it yourself.

Talk to someone, there are many free and low cost clinics around and there is no shame in it. The only shame is knowing you have a problem and not doing anything about it.

Sorry if this come across kind of preachy, but I feel strongly about this. I know to many good people that have sunk into drugs or booze because they tried to deal with depression the wrong way. I was one of them, my brother still is.

If you try to deal with depression by pulling yourself up by your boot straps, all you get is a sore back from lifting wrong.
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Old 07-15-2002, 03:53 PM   #18   Add To Ignore List  
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idea: try going out and doing something totaly crazy and fun...maybe skydiving or buy 100 fireworks and light em all...something u have never done before
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Old 07-15-2002, 04:35 PM   #19   Add To Ignore List  
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Like other people have implied, you seem to be thinking about humanity's oldest question; What is the meaning of life?

I don't think there is one general reason, I think you have to make your own reason, your own personal reason - what you need is a goal that you want to achieve before you die. Look at your life and your personality, what could you enjoy doing for the rest of your life? What consistently occupies/entertains you? Base your goal on this, and aim for something to make you feel happy, keep you going and eventually give you a feeling of accomplishment.

You probably wouldn't have minded dying just then because then you wouldn't have to think about it anymore. But find your answer to the great question and you'll be peaceful, it won't bother you anymore and you can get on with your life. There are many times when you just feel like quitting, but hang in there and it'll straighten out in the end.

This kind of idea helped get me through the time when I was bullied at school. The people bullying me were doing so because they wanted me to conform to the current rules of fashion etc. in our society - but I thought I didn't want to do that, I want to live they way I want to, not the way they want me to. So I set a goal of getting through that, to go on and not be taken down and eventually they stopped and I was still standing. Because after all, people who want you to conform to the letter of society's rules and not being an individual just aren't worth bothering with.

Hope you take some note of this and that you get through your depression.

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Old 07-15-2002, 07:19 PM   #20   Add To Ignore List  
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I'm really glad at just how mature people are being in this forum. Many other places would have surely made things worse.

I think all of us would like to help you feel better. I had a similar problem like Joben (my crappy shrink called it Social Anxiety Disorder) and I took medicine for about 6 months. I know it helped to get rid of the problem because I can actually speak to other people and such. But oftentimes people think medicine is the only way. I think that you should try to do something interesting (i find that if you totally offend at least one person a day, it keeps things lively) and if you can't find anything, I would try to talk to someone about. This girl you mentioned, although you mentioned you were both shy, I think you'd be surprised at how supportive shy people can be

I hope everything works out!!!
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Old 07-16-2002, 04:58 PM   #21   Add To Ignore List  
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*nods* yeh, of course meds arnt the only thing that is going to/might help.
But sometimes of course they do, one might take them and suddenly discover that
most of his problems were blown way out of proportion...Bah! loosing my train of thought.

...Meds dont fix everything. but they can help. Just look into it.

Its sorta like thinking about a problem late at night when you are overtired.
It seem impossible to deal with, in the morning however if often seems less imposing. You just need some sleep.
Similar with my panic attacks, I Knew intelectualy that nothing horrific was going to happen
in social situation, the few months of medication just informed my body of that fact alowing my
brain to get back in charge

Did that make sense?
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Old 07-16-2002, 06:35 PM   #22   Add To Ignore List  
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the only thing I can tell you is that you need to look at what is going on with your life and pinpoint exactly why your not happy. It seems corny I know but it really works.... your probably just in need of a change in career or too become more accertive with certain people in your life. I found all two often when dealing with others with depression is that it usually is a simple problem in life where they just "can't put their finger on". However I could be consumently wrong....
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