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Old 02-19-2003, 06:41 AM   #1   Add To Ignore List  
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Getting really depressed already, as if I wasn't already unstable. I just quit college and have no job and no Friends. I have never drunk alcohol in my life but am considering it. I feel so obligated to be successful by age 25 and I am doing nothing with my life at the moment besides playing games. I can't get myself to do anything productive and I keep crying inside constantly. Just the other day I spoke to a guy who simply said "you think your life is bad?" and then continued to tell me how he once had cancer and that he almost died. Then I told him I am just equally shitted because I have completely 0 Friends (nada) and I am spending months on end in my room and am growing an alter ego, seriously. It is true what they say about Insomniacs living a completely different life than normal people. I have grown extremely shy around people in the public but once I'm alone I listen to some hard shit rock and imagine being some devil creature or something (holy, like the dude in Red dragon). I also keep fantasizing about how when I die I will become a scary ghost and scare the **** outa people because I can't stand them.

Everyday I am becoming more spontaneous and dangerous behind the wheel but its nothing compared too the mass of idiots already on the road. I keep taking chances and have grown another ego of " I am invincible to police" because I continuously drive through red lights,speed, accelerate, next to police cars, and the freaky thing is that I haven't been stopped yet! Just the other day I was rushing too class and was going 60 in a 30 mph zone and a cop saw me and did nothing? I almost want to be caught. I also find myself driving for miles for no reason and always find some way home and also never seem to run out of gas. I can almost explain myself at the moment as being "gay" but I am not. I felt as ease to know that Time Magazine did a story about teens and how the new age pressure is all about being "straight" and **** and that a lot of kids my age are so oversensitive to being around guys or hanging out. I am not gay because I dream of girls and guys most of the time Piss the **** outsa me and I want to kill a bag of em. I only feel like I'm gay because I Can socially talk easier to men than with women, (this is usually normal) but I am so worried about (other) people seeing me as gay so I am obviously oversensitive to this society. What makes it worst is that I have a soft voice and seem, I dunno, weak.

My multimedia teacher keeps telling me I'm good at my work and keeps promising to me a job with his Friend up in L.A. if I make a good portfolio. He wants me too go up and live by myself NEXT YEAR and I am not ready for that "life" ****. I am feeling pressured and want to go to an Art college first, before I get into a media job because the truth is, that I know **** when it comes to gaming and modeling. Every sob in my class says my work is nice but I go on Polycount and am amazed as well as bruised emotionally by the work on their. WTF is my chance at that if I am not even going to college or an Art school? Another problem of mine is that I can't get a job, in-fact, I have never gotten a "real" job such as a 16 year old would get like fast-food or somethin; anything for I don't have real job experience. I am 18 3/4 and have never had a real job! And when I go and fill in an application I am so damn shy that I put on a sad face and whisper to the manager, such a nice first impression! Even my sister gave me a good message about me too her boss when she left for New Zealand and I was not hired simply because they didn't even know who the **** I was since I came in and didn't say a word to anyone, just sat and filled the application like the average joe (no pun). Next, my family is whack. My family all fights except me. My parents don't really love each other and the only reason they stay together is because of their three children. We have strangers come and go from our house since we serve as a hospital but in the end, most of the people either later screw us over because we are too easy going. Thats a whole other story and I don't have the energy to explain my family besides that we are very disorganized and just screwed. Too make matters even further worst, I am blonde haired and polish. So is my sister, and so is my mother, explains everything.

I am constantly worried about cleanliness and can't eat off of the plates and silverware in our house. I have too eat from plastic everything, plastic cups,spoons,forks,bowls. Nothing that can be washed, just used once and thrown away. Think thats extreme, well its not really because my family is disgusting. I'll leave it at that and not explain further. I want to end my life already and I'm so young. Maybe you guys can give me inspiration or something. Oswald, explain Io me how your school days are going, if you are in school? You can easily put off school because you have a girl but me, what can I do without social interaction with "anyone" besides through online gaming? I am bad on the health front and find myself constantly in pain in the stomach and legs. I haven't properly exercised in like months although I am not overweight, in-fact I am underweight. I have lost 10 pounds since my sister and her boyfriend left for New Zealand, kinda figures since I am kinda lonely that they are gone. Stu, my sister's boyfriend, was like my only friend. My intestine hurts because I sit too much and it has made a crease in it making poop flow hurt (eww). I also have an arched back and walk around like Bill gaytes, sigh.
There is this south African guy around my age living in one of our studios downstairs but he's always drunk off his ass and in a bad mood so he doesn't count. He's told me some crazy scary stuff from Africa and its corrupt society, but its still not enough to convince me that my life is any less depressing than children who starve. My world is completely dark and cold at this time... Oh yeah, I just went and saw CHICAGO just because and I actually enjoyed it. I went to see that rather than the other movies available simply because I was craving for something different. WHen people ask, "what do you want to major in?" I say back too them some wild thing about becoming a game designer or some crap. In reality, I see myself owning some hot muscle cars and doing long road trips out in the deserts of the world. Am I too worried about "time" in general or that I may become too old too soon, YES. I feel obligated, again, too become some big success story by the age of twenty-five. Maybe some rock singer, race car driver, or evil entity thing, or artist. I imagine myself as making industrial rock songs and suck kinda like NIN. But... everyone has dreams and I am already too old and in lack of knowledge about music too ever reach a dream like that. Besides, people say, " don't you want to be original?" Then I smack them in the face and tell them "Then you think of something original for me since everything nowadays has too be related too something and it had to be trendy to be successful" But WTF is original. Who can make a sci-fi looking gun concept these day without someone saying "OMG it looks like thar Halo!"

Omg omg omg omg omg... I really do think its possible to bore to death. I remember hearing somewhere about some guy going 3 days in a row without sleep and then suffering for three months with depression. OMG, them me calculates what 3 years of Insomnia does too life...


If anyone here lives in San Diego I would love to go and do something together, but don't expect me to be to talkative or social for As I explained, I aint. Also don't expect me to remember things well or relate that much to the these forums and SS. Just too do something as if we were complete strangers just for fun. I'm serious.

Face it, why would "I" have come too SAMBONANZA? Think about it... I just wanted to have an excuse to go somewhere, do something, meet people.

So yeah...anyway... I'm kinda tired right now. I'm still thinking if I'm gonna go back to my college class on Thursday, If I haven't been dropped already. As the instructors tell the students, "If you don't want to be here then pack up and leave my class"
Well right now, I'm not feeling much for education. Of course I want to learn and not be a dumb**** but at the moment, college, especially the little community one I'm going to is just like HS all over again. I don't need that ****. Maybe I'll stick with connections and intuition. Many famous people to come and go from our planet had little more than flunking grades in school and... yeah. Albert Einstein got straight D's and F's as a child, Funnea. Makes you think whether school is really just a pressure on your mind or actually beneficial. As people also say, " health comes first". Thinking about school is very depressing and makes me anxious about everything. I am too worried dedication to knowledge that In-fact I am probably physically and emotionally hurting myself. I have the feeling that I need to take a break so that I can emotionally heal and let my mind open up rather than struggle to concentrate, Concentrate. I need to "chill out" finally and take things easy like the other peers in my generation.

Anyway...Yeah, I'm tired and hungry. Goodnight... And I'm noticing that my writing by the end of this post has become retared like the "Cacther in the Rye." I know it is a lot ot read but it is helping get things off my chest
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Old 02-19-2003, 06:45 AM   #2   Add To Ignore List  
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talking allways helps mon ami.
if you got aim you can talk to me, my handle is stated in my profile.
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Old 02-19-2003, 07:04 AM   #3   Add To Ignore List  
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dude. hang in there. I'm going through a kind of similar stage in my life where I've realised that the job i've been in for the last 3 years is not making me happy. I'm the manager of a retail store and i'm not happy. It's part of a chain and all the layers of management above me just constantly give me a hard time and nothing is ever good enough for them. The pay isnt enough and I hate the customers and my staff members are ungrateful ****knuckles.

My girlfriend has moved away and we've broken up. My girlfriend of 3 and a half years. It's been two months now and i'm only just starting to get over it. I've been a real ****ing jerk around here about relationships in general because of it, but i'm getting it all right now. My stupid boss wanted to know why I 'didnt seem to be giving it 100%' and i told him i'd just broken up with my girlfriend and he said it wasnt a good reason and i should buck my ideas and blah blah blah...see why I wanna leave? Anyway...i really hate being alone, its so hard to get used to not having someone. Being single sucks and I never meet women that arent either ugly or stupid.

My friends...a large chunk of them are leaving for other cities...graduating...getting new jobs...generally moving away. I still have friends, just not all that many, their numbers have dwindled drastically at the start of this year.

Money. my cars transmission ****ed out and took out half the car with it. The bill? About $1600US. I can't afford that so i gotta take out a loan...then theres interest on the loan and it becomes even more expensive. i cant pay offf the loan quickly cos i still have the loan from the car originally. i prolly made a few mistakes there but it was my first car and i didnt know shit. so i'm up to my ass in debt and im gonna be poor for ages.

Basically my life went to hell in a handbasket at the start of this year...

SO WHAT THE HELL AM I DOING ABOUT IT?!?!?!?!

First up, with my buddies, I'm starting my own business. It goes live in 2 days...we start selling stuff. We have everything ready to go. We're selling desktop machines and servers and firewalls and all that running linux. www.linuxstore.co.nz if you care (its not finished there...the back end is all done and so is most of the frontend but thats all still on the internal server...should be up in 2 days). Once that gets going, I will quit my job and do the linux store thing fulltime. The sense of fufillment I will get out of running my own business and the happiness of not having some overpaid **** in a building yelling at me will be wonderful...

As for my friends, well i'm spending a lot more time with the ones i've got, and going out and meeting some of their friends I dont know, and generally trying to meet new and different types of ppl. It's amazing how many ppl dont feel they have enough friends either and are more than happy to welcome you in...

On the girlfriend front...i'm slooowly learning to enjoy singlehood although i found out that going out and getting a drunken shag gets old REAL fast (read: after the first time)

As for the car and debt and stuff....its only money. It's not someone i really care about, and it is replaceable. I learnt a valuable lesson about cars in the meantime and hopefully it wont happen again. With a bit of luck the linux store will make me really rich really quickly and it wont be problem


Basically dude, things have a way of working out. You're only 18, things will get better. In a few years time youll look back and wonder how you ever felt like this. Just remember, what doesnt kill you makes you stronger. Go out there, get some friends, its easier than you think. Think about what you REALLY want to do, and work towards it. It will happen for you. Once this has happened, your insomnia will clear up, because youre only an insomniac because youre so unhappy.


in any case, suicide is not the answer. i have a couple of ex-friends that i wish could be telling you that today.


if you want to talk about this more...i'm around
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Old 02-19-2003, 07:24 AM   #4   Add To Ignore List  
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i need a job. i need one desperatly. i need a job so i can go to college, so i can open up my own video game/comic store.
i need to do somthing.
i havent done anything with my life in over 3 years.
well i tried to move away, but that failed.
i mean i just realized im only 20 years old, i have loads of life left in me, nothings over.
and mr.man is right, suicide isnt good. every time i try it i end up in the hospital, than in the ****in mad house for atleast a month.
so yeah, in short, it may seem like life sucks and is over for you, but theres a whole world out there(that is curently poised to destroy itself.....but i digress) oportunity abounds! you just gotta get out there and find it, or in my case get a swift kick in the ass to actualy see that it exist.
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Old 02-19-2003, 07:49 AM   #5   Add To Ignore List  
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heh, i feel alone sometime, i mean i got loads of friends here in college that ive only met thanks to some initiative on my behalf, problem is my dorm is this little hole in the wall and if i stay in my room too long i feel like exploding, soooo im forced to go out every night just so i can breath and end up spending all my money and getting ****ed over by my drunk neighbour everytime i find me a woman
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Old 02-19-2003, 08:33 AM   #6   Add To Ignore List  
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"Punch the clock now i'm your slave for the rest of my life twelve hours a day"

just get a job. apply everywhere, so you're shy. ask for an application form and mail it in. if they don't reply, WHO CARES you've just mailed 100 application forms out to different places. one is bound to say, "errr heya". i work in a warehouse, what do i do? i work in dispatch. nothing exciting mostly packing orders into boxes.

why do i do this? i really don't want to do anything else.

"he did it, no he did it"

as for your insomnia split personallity thing. everyone has their public and their private selves, some people are all show off in public, but when they get home they don't do much, some people are the complete opposite.

"OMG HALO"

nothing is original. why? because there have only been 3 or 4 original thinkers in the whole history of humanity. everything extends everything extends nothing. DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT. if it looks like halo, stand up and say **** YOU! and flip them off. or even the dreadded two ups.

"1 is the loneliest number"

i love and hate being alone. why? i'm not judged, not forced into crappy situations, i have money. i don't get any, i don't have companionship. pros and cons.

you see. but i don't really talk in real life, why? because i'm dyslexic. mostly on stuff that's coming out. if i'm writing something, like paperwork at work. i'll **** every word up, unless i'm concentrating, and i can't talk properly, i'll **** sentences up like "the cat fell in the box" would be "the box fell in the cat" "cat box fell in the". and i won't notice that i did it until i read it back later, or i the person who i'm talking to has a weird look on their face. typing is different, when i'm typing i'm not thinking words, i'm thinking letters. so that's alright.

i am very quiet. but i still have friends? how? it takes ages. because i don't talk, people can't relate to me easily. that's the linch pin. you need to talk to people. and it sucks, because people suck. the best thing to do, is to join a club for one of your hobbies. you like games, so go to a lan cafe shop thing, and start talking to the people that run it or the regulars, and become a regular yourself. or do something else that interests you. but if you're not an out going kinda person. you've gotta join in some sorta club or something to make friends. for me, it's work and Bujinkan which is a martial art.

"and i'm diggin up the dead today"

it's good to get things off your chest, i've done it publically here before, but generally i just write some crap down and call it a song. recently it's been b-movies, killing and shit like that, because that's where i want to go.

depression is depression, so many people can say "oh you don't have anything to be depressed about, look at the children in poopy stavationland". but drepression only relates to a lack of serotonin... so it doesn't REALLY matter about the events... just the lack of that chemical in the brain.
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Old 02-19-2003, 08:53 AM   #7   Add To Ignore List  
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Default Re: What am I doing with life...

Quote:
Originally posted by cyborgguineapig

Face it, why would "I" have come too SAMBONANZA? Think about it... I just wanted to have an excuse to go somewhere, do something, meet people.
hey, i for one am damn glad you were in attendance. we had what i would consider some great laughs and i, for one (as much as we disagree on opinions on the supernatural etc...) do consider you a friend. not just a forum pal, but an actual, living, breathing, real friend.

if i lived in san diego at this point, i'd drag you out and take you to a pizzeria (or some other resturaunt), because damnit, you're a friend. when i visit california again (note: not 'if', i will) i'll make sure to see you (and everyone else in california that i can, qapf, booger et al). i think i've driven the point home on our 'relationship' (not in a homosexual way, i love my mis-aligned kidneys, thank you) so let's move onward to...

THE FUTURE!

now, i know the feeling of 'what the **** am i doing with my life'. i've set some goals for myself that i haven't reached and have missed quite a few, some of which i wear the scars of to this day. i am 18, should be in college now and am working a menial job with awkard hours, and here is why:

i have one goal at this point, produce one album. will it be sucessful? i doubt it. i'd be damn happy if it sold 5 copies (including those that are normally bought out of support by friends/relatives). i have learned to lower my bar a bit and try and succeed on a realistic level, something that i know i can personally accomplish.

i don't set the bar high, i've found my personal level of 'i can do this'. i can't guide you to how to find that level, but to me, it probably happened after falling on my ass enough times and realizing it was the high goals i set for myself that let me down the most.

onward to... girlfriends and stuff!

yeah, i may have a girlfriend, but hell, that's an oddity and almost a fluke. in all honesty i was suprised that i even mustered up the courage to say:
"i'm not good at this, but would you"
<note: that was it, i never squeezed out "like to skip school and hang out".>

again, in all honsety (and brutal, so brutal!) i am suprised and damn glad that we are still together. a relationship is no easy thing to keep together, hell no. there's a whole shit load of rough winds and high-waves (that never stop, heh) able to tip over most boats but if you can deal with the weather, it's worth it. it = teh win.

i don't know if anything i have said will help you decide what to do or... anything.

regardless of if it helped,
hang in there,
oswald
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Old 02-19-2003, 10:49 AM   #8   Add To Ignore List  
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Cyborg... if you're ever up in the Los Angeles area, you know you can look me up anytime and I'd be more than happy to go grab a cup o' joe with ya or something. If what you want is to get into the gaming industry, maybe I can help you set a course of action... I do know a couple people. And you shouldn't compare your stuff to the stuff on Polycount. The stuff on Polycount is the best independent stuff in the world... you're weighing yourself against a world scale, when you should be comparing yourself against your peers at school. You'll get better with time and practice. Eventually, you'll look at the stuff on Polycount and start seeing stuff that you could have done better.

Really though, next time you're in the South Bay area, look me up.
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Old 02-19-2003, 10:59 AM   #9   Add To Ignore List  
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I have to agree with my alter ego (Oswald) here. When I met you in San Diego, you seemed like a genuinely nice and fun person. I'm not going to bore you with a lot of happy feel good crap, but let me tell you that dropping out of college is most likely not a good idea. First off, you'll need the degree/experience if you want even a semi-good job. Second, college is a great place to meet new people- if you don't go, you don't meet people. I've met so many fun people at school, and while they may not be my "best friends", they add some fun to my otherwise seriously boring life.

I understand about you missing your sister leaving, and that must really suck. You should call her or write to her and tell her how you feel, I bet both you and her would appreciate it.

On the matter of being a huge success by time you're 25- don't worry about it. Life won't matter anymore if all you worry about is success. Life is meant for enjoying, and if you are a big success, it's just an added bonus. Sucess is all in the way you look at it- are you happy? No. You should be successful at happiness before you're successful at anything else. Try to be successful AT life, not just IN life.

You might even want to make an appointment with a counselor, if only to talk to them and get some of the weight off you're shoulders. I've been having alot of the problems you've been having and I made an appointment with a counselor for tomorrow. Of course, she's from my church (Yeah folks, I actually belong to a church. But only because I was baptized and confirmed there (against my will, I swear) and I just never got arround to telling them to screw off. Plus, I got all sorts of free stuff, like FREE psychologists!). If you beling to a church or something, they might have a good deal on couseling, if not check your school.
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Old 02-19-2003, 12:49 PM   #10   Add To Ignore List  
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Shoot Cyborg, sorry you are having such a hard time in your life. Hang in there dude, it sounds like you are feeling you've hit rock bottom.
As you can tell by Mr Man, Planky and pretty much the rest of us really, that life does have it's ups and downs and yes, I have even been there where I thought life wasn't worth living. But as others have said, and I will say, once you are near the bottom, there isn't much place to go but up.
Like I am sure you have heard many times before, life IS like that proverbial roller coaster ride. I know, because at my age I have definitely taken my share of trips up and down and back up again those highs and lows, some higher and some lower times than others.
I don't have time to write much now, but listen to the advice that Meli gave up there.
She gave some good advice.
Hope you get to feeling better about things soon. As hard as it seems, try to approach each situation with a positive attitude. I know it sounds hard, even to the point of absurdity, but you can actually change your whole train of thought just by retraining your mind to think positively.
I know it is hard in the beginning, but you get better at it with practice. Things will turn around for you though.
Headed out to get some things done right now, but again listen to what Meli says up there about staying in college and maybe seeking out some counselling.
She gives good advice on things. If you think about it she always has a good, positive attitude and nature about her, hence a good source for advice.
Take care buddy. Talk at ya later.
AS
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Old 02-19-2003, 01:25 PM   #11   Add To Ignore List  
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Quote:
Originally posted by cyborgguineapig
I am just equally shitted because I have completely 0 Friends (nada)
That, at least, is not true.
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Old 02-19-2003, 01:33 PM   #12   Add To Ignore List  
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I have nothing inspiring to say...I dont beleive in suicide or Id already be dead. Outside of maybe 5 ppl I really care for, the closest thing I have to "freinds" are on these forums and they didnt even notice my birthday You have so much time to decide what you want. I on the other hand am 26 and work at blockbuster... I have more artistic talent in my pinky than most people will ever learn but I have absolutely no inspiration to draw or write music or anything. I dont even have the motivation to find a real job...I am completely impartial to life...in fact life seems irrelivent. I dont care for life or what happens to me, and I can barely bring myself to care about anyone else. I havent returned my families phone calls, and as much as I love them, it doesnt matter to me if I talk to them at all. I honestly wish I will catch a stray bullet next time I go outside so it will just be...over. My childhood was severely ****ed, but I made up for it by raising hell and having a shitload of fun in Highschool. I have no girlfreind...dont care either. I dont know how to treat a girl and I always just end up feeling guilty because I never care about a girl like I know I should. I am extremely shallow and chauvenistic when it comes to women...they have to be phisically flawless, they cant have annoying voices AND I expect them to be funny and intelligent. Beleive it or not I have found a few girls like this (and I'm no prize trust me ) Every one of these amazing women Ive been with left me because I could not give them the emotional support they wanted...no scratch that..NEEDED, and I knew I owed it to them...I just dont know how I guess. I guess I never really had a decent female role model as a kid :/ I dont know how or when this happened...I used to love life and be so passionate and just want to romance the world. Now I have no passion, no love, no motivation, no inspiration, no life...nothing

Come to think of it I was gonna start another depression thread but decided against it because I started like the last 4 of them I think.

In any light...were both still young and both have plenty of time to change our lives around...you at least seem to care that something isnt right with your life...I could care less about mine.
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Old 02-19-2003, 02:39 PM   #13   Add To Ignore List  
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I haven't reached the age when one really has to worry about the future, but sometimes I feel like my life has just been... I can't find the words.
For years my school life has been a living hell! In the small grades, I often tended to be persecuted by the others because I was shy and took it badly, but what really started it all was when I went to the USA, in Chicago. The others there were thieving, lying, manipulating, hypocrite, cruel and sadistic to a point I've never seen anywhere else, never having any pity nor any sympathy, capable of finding a slogan that hurt deeply and repeating it over and over, not even stopping when I was reduced to cries!
Then I went back in France, in a state school. That USA period had left me very weakened when it came to confront others, and those enjoyed it fully! With each passing year I became more and more known for being the opposite of a mindless bully, and found myself with always more students after me, who learned progressively what made me suffer the most. It was in that school that I completely gave up defending myself: what could I do against whole gangs who had much more experience than me in fighting verbally and physically? Nothing, so I tried to ignore them. But they simply resorted to things that I just couldn't ignore, physical harrassment while before it was "only" words: whistling in my ear, bumping me, threats, hits... I thought I already had reached the bottom, but then they found a new game: violence directed not towards me, as I had already fallen into will-less resignation, to the point of not even asking for them to be punished when the teachers proposed to me to do so, but directed towards what I cared about: my house, the garden and plants and birdhouses...that may sound unimportant, but it gave me the feeling of not being safe anywhere, not even at home. THEY EVEN MURDERED ONE OF MY FRIEND'S CAT! AND THEN I WAS TERRIFIED ABOUT WHAT THEY MIGHT DO TO MINE! Some of them started beating me...a no, a hard look, a word, any attempt to defend myself in a way they didn't find funny could result the next day in being thrown to the floor without warning and being kicked while defenseless by a guy three times as strong as me. I was TERRIFIED of going to school! I never knew what what awaiting me the next day! I was so depressed that I sometimes just spent entire evenings lting on my bed, thinking about how unfair and cruel all of this was! I was never joyfull, never finding any meaning to my life, very often thinking about suicide, barely ever saying a word to anyone.
Finally we moved in Lyon, and now I'm in a private school where people, finally, respect each other and are very nice with me, and my relationship with others has improved a lot.
However, I don't think I'll ever completely recever from that: daily persecutions and humiliations have ruined my life! I've been CRUSHED for so long because I wasn't like the common stupid bully, that my personnality has been irreversibly scarred! I've herited from this of several of my current traits: total inability to engage a conversation, systematical mistrust towards everybody I didn't know, although this one has diminished a lot, irrational fear of remarks on what I do or say, as these usually meant that I was going to be humiliated by the others for weeks because of it, and sometimes months if they liked it, and finally irrationnal irritability towards even innocent jokes, although this has improved a lot too. Fortunately these only apply at home, but they still make my life miserable sometimes.

Why are there things like that? WHY? IT'S JUST NOT ON! IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!

It does help to say things like this: I've never said it all until now.

I hope your situation will improve soon Cyborgguineapig. Having suffered a lot I can imagine how you feel.
Good luck!
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Old 02-19-2003, 06:50 PM   #14   Add To Ignore List  
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Awesome! It's the bitch thread!

I thinks it's high time for this one. The stories are disturbing, tragic... yet somehow universal. The great thing is that people can let out their steam without fear of being bullied or mocked in here. It really helps to tell people about these things, and I am sure you all know that you can send me a pm if you are getting too upset.

Just remember, that even your extreme problems are not too unique to be understood by others. And most kinds of problems have been solved or at least dealt with by others before.

A final note--I don't think minimizing your problem, ala the cancer comparison, is really fair or helpful. In fact it is counterproductive. The thing that is clear is that you actually have a real problem that isolates you and keeps you that way. That is no small thing. Posting here was one of the best things you could have done because people here will understand you and many will identify. Perhaps you will get some good suggestions.

That goes for everybody.
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Old 02-19-2003, 07:00 PM   #15   Add To Ignore List  
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OMG, too much to read...
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Old 02-19-2003, 07:04 PM   #16   Add To Ignore List  
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try it one word at a time
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Old 02-19-2003, 08:29 PM   #17   Add To Ignore List  
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I've skimmed through most, though I read Hollywood's post and liked that a lot.

Actually I'm taking kung fu, though havn't gotten any good friends who i'd do stuff with outside of the studio.

Just yesterday I was thinking how to meet new people that I would actually like and have something to talk to them about. I was thinking then about one of those gaming lan stores. Fragapalooza comes only once a year, but there is at least one small lan shop downtown I could attend and become a regular.
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Old 02-19-2003, 08:38 PM   #18   Add To Ignore List  
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~PiXel Fart and cyborgguineapig, you guys both live in the area. Seriously, we should all meet up sometime. Maybe go to a strip club or something. Hell, you're both talented. Maybe I can hook you up with some people over at Activision or something.
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Old 02-19-2003, 08:41 PM   #19   Add To Ignore List  
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Bitch thread eh?

Heres my rant.

I look friendly. Yeah, thats it, I look friendly. Everyone thinks "He's a nice kid", everyone tells me so. 99% of people I meet like me off the bat, assuming I'm not extreamly pissed off that day, even if I am I usually can't get anyone to dislike me. The only people who seriously dislike me are people on the internet. thats why I like it here.

I think the major problem with me is I hide. I hide who I am, I wake up and choose a person I'm gonna be for that day. I'm never able to be who I want to be. If I am, nothing good would come outta it, at least not for other people. I have a different person to work with in every case. One for with my immidate family, one with other family, one with distant relatives, one with good friends on the gaming side (RPGs), another with friends on the RTS/FPS side, another with casual friends at school, another with friends I meet only every now and then, one with people on the net: one for this group, one with my friends from DAoC, one with my clan for FPS, one for my anime group, one for every possible situation. The problem with this is they conflict. People who think they know me come here and read the stuff I write, they don't think its me. my FPS gamer friends are freaked with how I act with casual friends and RPG friends, and vice versa, etc etc.

I'm ****ed up in a way that I'm not my self, never myself, just who works best in that situation. Maybe thats why everyone likes me, I suit their needs at the time present.

This brings on an odd additive, I'm seemingly predictable on the outside, but the trust is I've never seen anyone have an accurate perdiction about what I would do in any situation. Thats one point in my favor, but who knows, it could be a bad thing.

I wish I could be myself, but of course, thats what I'm trying to use the internet to do, use Direwolf to do. I feel if I ever get to writing the actual Direwolf stroy line maybe people would understand who I am finally.

God, I'm ****ED UP right now.
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Old 02-19-2003, 09:09 PM   #20   Add To Ignore List  
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I'm up for that Booger...although Ive never been to a strip club.

I have a few things I gotta figure out here in life. I havent even told you guys about the newest crap BB is doing. Lets just say they will save about $20 million a year in labor after the recent changes. Gotta get my car fixed asap, but Im broke. Gimme like a month or so to get my crap together.

You up for it CGP?
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Old 02-19-2003, 09:14 PM   #21   Add To Ignore List  
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We don't necessarily have to go to a strip club, just something to break up the monotony. Strip clubs can be expensive, but it's something that everyone should do at least once in their life.

We could just as well go bungie jumping or skydiving... whatever. Or we could just sit around and make plans to take over the world, design a video game or drink until we all pass out.
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Old 02-20-2003, 02:04 AM   #22   Add To Ignore List  
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I am coming to california in July. Why don't we all meet up?
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Old 02-20-2003, 02:21 AM   #23   Add To Ignore List  
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cool, now i got led zep stuck in my head

pity i cant come along...maybe next year..
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Old 02-20-2003, 03:06 AM   #24   Add To Ignore List  
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Quote:
Originally posted by Darth Plato
I am coming to california in July. Why don't we all meet up?
Sounds like a plan. Sambonanza at a strip club... woot.
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Old 02-20-2003, 03:22 AM   #25   Add To Ignore List  
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(chuckles) Maybe I should tell you about what happened last night... No, I'll save it.
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Old 02-20-2003, 04:05 AM   #26   Add To Ignore List  
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Hey thanks all of you...your words and wisdom has helped me greatly. I really do feel better now. But...

I got some more bad news. My mom and dad just got in the biggest fight I have ever seen them in and although I was not involved in the fight, I did calmy try to cool them down but in the end, the front door hinje was left broken and as of now my dad has driven somewhere to cool off. I am worried about him though but not too much. You see for many years I was the loud one who yelled and got involved in their fights, but today was different. I was so calm over their loud voices. My family is corrupt, especially my mom. My dad has had a few heart-attacks due to her and I was am scared he might have one again. He kept slamming the front door because SHE was yelling the stupidest things in the world at him. My moms like 50 years old with a very immature mind. After my dad left she started yelling at me and my younger sister that "WE" were the cause of their bad relationship. Geesh, like pressure was enough already. My mom cannot admit that she is a bad mother and she is very easily on guard or defensive for anything. For instance, she uses reverse physiology or whatever it is and yells at us kids about how bad my father is in front of him. My siblings can agree that sometimes it feels as if were married too everyone else in the family. I used to have a physiologist that explained about our family working as a mixed triangle and that instead of my father/mother working together as parents, they get involved with their children more and use tactics to get even or back at each other. Tonight I upright told my mother that" I don't want hear you yelling at me, settle it with him(my dad)" and her reply, " oh yeah, you never wanto hear me anyway!"

She also got angry with my for not "chasing" my dad down after he drove off. He clearly told me too "stay" and I figured it was for his best, so I did. I don't even know what the whole fight was over??? Although this fight hasn't effected me much, I just wanted to post it too show what kinda mind games my mom likes to play on her children. Another future post I will explain in more depth about how my family works and how it got too be this way but for now...

I will leave you with words of stupidity from my mother tonight(please note I do not hate my mother, I just don't love her as much as I did when I was younger because I have grown and discovered her ignorance toward receiving help)

Yelling at her children:

"Look at him, look at him!"

"Why didn't you do the laundry! Everything in this house is ****ed up"

To my younger sister "If the police come their gonna see the mess in our house, as it usually is!"

" everyones gonna think were white-trash!" go figure, when your yelling outside out loud.

Stupidest thing said to my sister and I " You ruined our marriage!"

Anyway, I should make a recording, this does no justice to how my mom really acts.

I just hope my dads alright. My dad and I connect and are much closer. My mom is just an older woman with a childs brain. WHen she can't make a comeback she does the whole "Oh yeah!" "Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!"
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anyway, thanks again guys. Despite my parents fighting I actually feel a lot better with myself today. But alos note that my parents arn't control freaks, blah, maybe I'll explain everything in depth later...

Edit: oh yeah, dont think we are whitetrash because we arn't. My dad is not an american native but is a very successful piano teacher. Hard to beleive my father was awarded with "the best classical piano teacher in the world" yet he lives with such a wife. He is very intelligent and he has a lot of knowledge. He is alos very humorous and is really cool. Because he is not raised the American way, I partly but blame on my shy personality because he wasn't the whole rock, big truckin, racecar, dad of america and I was attached to my mom more in the beginning.

Sadly I can't say the same for my mother, Although I do love her and helps me out financially, I don't feel her love too be genuine. She still works from home and is always procrastinating on her work and very unnorganized. She likes collecting newspapers fromt he 70s 80s and explains that "one day I will read them" Very sad. She usually has mood swings and she is a junkfood oholic. I almost cry because I can't really say anything about her other than shes a tax preparer/realistate agent that makes **** for money. I'm not gonna wright anymore becasue its depressing me again to think about her life. ANd I feel really **** for making her look bad also.





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Old 02-20-2003, 04:38 AM   #27   Add To Ignore List  
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ah, the fun of parental fights. i will admit that my parents fight and my dad has driven off to 'cool off'. where does he go? we have yet to find out. he may go to the gym to work out (he's recently been on a 'kick' with a whole new diet and fitness thing) or he could be seeing some prostitute in an alley, nobody knows.

i always do my best to stay out of the fights and i think you did the right thing by staying home. i think your dad is just cooling off somewhere, probably lying down in a motel 8 or a pal's house just... thinking.

on the issue of 'you ruined our relationship', i will never understand that one myself. i haven't been had that one thrown at me, but i have heard it thrown around by others and to me, it's a silly cop-out to escape the nagging questions:
why am i unhappy? and what can i (we, the couple) do to fix the situation?

if they truly felt that you were adding discomfort i would expect them to talk to you about what is bothering them and you could work together on fixing the problem. this, sadly, relies on them being mature adults. altho i know you are fond of your father i have a feeling your mother would not be... willing to have this talk with you. it takes one hell of a mature person to admit their problem and ask for help in a truthful manner.

on the issue of your mother, you weren't making her look bad, what you explained seemed to be of facual basis (the collecting, her job and such) and not opinionated personal attacks, so don't feel bad at all, 'just the facts, ma'am'.
oswald
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Old 02-20-2003, 07:36 AM   #28   Add To Ignore List  
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at least your folks fight, my parents are so mellowdramatic, they always add after each others sentences

"no it's okay, it's alright, it's okay, no no, it's fine" as though they have to convince themselves that it's okay
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Old 02-20-2003, 03:52 PM   #29   Add To Ignore List  
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My parents use to play the kids against each other, but she has reasons for it...(PM, if youd like me to elaborate) My dad did it as well. I never got involved in the fights like my brothe did. When we were little we had some really crazy shit going on around us that made my moms problem even worse, wich in turn drove my dad insane and things sometimes escalated to phisical violence to the extent of a "Family Brawl". The best thing my parents did was get a divorce. They rarely have a harsh word about each other anymore even though they live just a few blocks apart. Things are pretty cozy for me right now, of course I live several thousand blocks away so...
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Old 02-20-2003, 04:48 PM   #30   Add To Ignore List  
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My parents are complete opposites: my mom is caring, sympathetic, calm, reasonable, maybe sometimes caring too much about useless details...
My father... or "father", as he is the person I know that acts as little as a father and mostly as a tyrant, is an a$$hole!!! I HATE HIM! The way he criticizes everything, the way he denigrates everything that's good, the way he tries to do everything by authority and force although he could simply ask...the way he doesn't accept any criticism or argument or attempt to defend oneself...the way he hates everything that is human...the way he dreams openly of a world where everything would be "in order" and everybody unhappy, with a nazi dictatorship and only nazis allowed to live...the way he shoves me off the computer pestering about my "dumbshit" games to go to porno, sometimes peadophile sites...the way he forbids everything that isn't "normal behavior" (about everything that has a bit of originality or individuality or difference from him)...the way he takes pleasure from humiliating me by making me do hard and almost pointless work...

I'll never stop if I go on like that. I hate him so much that I probably wouldn't shed a tear if he were to die. My dream is to see him die from extremely unhealthy diet or get moved by his company to the USA! If only he could get the hell out of my life!
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