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Old 05-13-2003, 07:55 AM   #1   Add To Ignore List  
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We marched across the border
our swords yet to be drawn.
We didnt know what was coming,
so forward we truged on.
The saracens had been hiding,
beneath the dark green grass,
Like a poiseness viper, hiden creeping death.
Like fools we marched, thought the land to be dead.
But at once our boistrous talking ended,
arrows in several throats, created a fog of red.
As the men drew there swords, they too fell dead.
Those who lived, didnt fight, they ran away.
Leaving the rest of us, Bleeding, dead or dying,
to stain the green earth red.
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Last edited by DR.PUNCH IN THE FACE; 05-13-2003 at 07:04 PM.
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:14 AM   #2   Add To Ignore List  
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cool . . . you have a knack for powerful endings. Keep at it
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Old 05-13-2003, 09:06 AM   #3   Add To Ignore List  
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thanks.


bump, i dont want this dissapearing just yet.
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Old 05-13-2003, 09:07 AM   #4   Add To Ignore List  
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Powerful imagery. I didn't know there was a writer on the forums.
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Old 05-13-2003, 09:09 AM   #5   Add To Ignore List  
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ive writen quite a bit, but looking back alot of it is angsty crap that im quite ashamed of.
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Why is it not meat?

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Old 05-13-2003, 11:13 AM   #6   Add To Ignore List  
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Maybe so Capt'n but it has helped you develop a certain style that has been evolving with each of your works.

This piece really appeals to me as its the kind of thing I like to write.

And that ending is just pure class.

Do I need type more or are you already having enough trouble getting through the door.(blotted ego)
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Old 05-13-2003, 04:38 PM   #7   Add To Ignore List  
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Hmmm, I'll really inflate his ego. It kind of reminds me of Kipling's Gunga Din in a way. With , maybe, a little Poe thrown in.
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Old 05-13-2003, 06:49 PM   #8   Add To Ignore List  
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Im glad you guys enjoyed it!
This is the first time ive writen a poem like this one.
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Why is it not meat?

-Haiku by Deadpool
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Old 05-13-2003, 06:52 PM   #9   Add To Ignore List  
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powerfull imagry, i like it
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Old 05-13-2003, 06:59 PM   #10   Add To Ignore List  
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I like it.

Quote:
As the men drew there swords, they too found themselves dead.
i have no idea if you care what i think but perhaps
'they too fell dead' would be a little smoother?
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Old 05-13-2003, 07:04 PM   #11   Add To Ignore List  
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indeed joben. thanks.
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Why is it not meat?

-Haiku by Deadpool
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Old 05-13-2003, 07:05 PM   #12   Add To Ignore List  
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my pleasure.
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Old 05-13-2003, 07:22 PM   #13   Add To Ignore List  
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nice captin! more interesting then the stuff in english we read that has about as many layers as an onion.. and we peel each one off one at a time.. i think she is making up most of the stuff...


poem: and so they danced

she says: "that means that there feet were not weary, they like chicken, and there is a love tradigy being forshadowed with lots of imagry and blahb lahb"

but like ur works cap.. shoud keep em.
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:01 PM   #14   Add To Ignore List  
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Quote:
Originally posted by Werebull
Powerful imagery. I didn't know there was a writer on the forums.
for some really profane cpt plank stuff go here

http://forums.seriouszone.com/s...&threadid=5498

sorry cap just I remember some of your early contributions
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:06 PM   #15   Add To Ignore List  
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oh god, i want to go back in time and kick my own ass. i think i was joking, but...im..not sure...argh.
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Why is it not meat?

-Haiku by Deadpool
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Old 05-13-2003, 08:17 PM   #16   Add To Ignore List  
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s'easy you just need a tardis and your halfway there cap
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